After several years of research, Brenda Tassava has identified a pervasive illness among veterinarians and clients alike called Age Related Facebook Phobia (ARFPh). This social syndrome is most likely to strike veterinarians in the 52-68 years old age range, causing a heightened fear and sensitivity to anything related to Facebook. Most victims to date have been practice owners, but we’re also seeing clients of the same age range succumbing to the virus.
Symptoms include:
- Hot flashes when anyone tries to take their picture with a smart phone
- Temporary paralysis when asked to share their email address
- A feeling of isolation or disconnection from their friends and family
- Chronic neck pain associated with speaking into a flip phone
If you or your veterinarian are experiencing any of these symptoms, you may be suffering from ARFPh. The good news is the illness is not fatal, and the HTC Facebook doctor Brenda Tassava has developed a step-by-step regimen that will have sufferers feeling like social butterflies after one course of treatment.
Step 1: Isolate the Patient
Remove the diagnosed ARFPh sufferer from contact with others. This prevents the virus from spreading and isolation rekindles the patient’s desire for social activity. Be sure to remove any alternative entertainment avenues, giving the ARFPh sufferer only a smart phone and a laptop with wireless Internet access.
Step 2: Culture the Need to Be Social
After isolating the ARFPh subject, send email invites to join Facebook until the request is accepted. Once your ARFPh sufferer has joined Facebook, suggest friends he or she might have in common, encouraging them to make friend requests. Since we are still “in isolation”, there will be little recourse other than to start to explore Facebook, which means your patient is on the road to recovery from their debilitating case of ARFPh.
Step 3: Prescribe Engagement, Interaction and Entertainment
Now that we have your patient on the mend, we need to stimulate the social senses with an IV-drip of EIE (Engagement, Interaction and Entertainment). This will help build resistance against the ARFPh virus.
- Engage the patient by posting a steady stream of cat and dog photos and memes.
- Interact with the patient by asking intriguing questions about pet care.
- Entertain your patient with pet themed cartoons and videos.
Step 4: Inoculate with an App
Before discharging your patient, be sure to vaccinate them against future outbreaks of ARFPh by installing the Facebook app on their smart phone. This app will allow for a steady stream of Facebook posts, photos and updates to keep them vibrantly healthy.